Sunday, August 9, 2009

Public urination

This is always a great sight when looking out front porch....indication of the long weekend ahead.

Nope, not talking about my children this time! Talking about the three young men and one lady that decided our front and back yard (and side of the house) was meant to relieve oneself on. Let me set the scene for all of you that may be mighty confused by now.

This weekend was Sauerkraut Days, our lovely town of Lisbon's annual town festival. Since we live on main street, the activities (loud scary rides, beer tents and fried things) are mere spitting...wait, peeing distance away. We had a petting zoo right in front of our house all day yesterday with a cow, chickens (in which Brody tried to drown, but that's another story) pony, goats, bunnies, dogs and partridge in a pear tree. The smell was overwhelming at times but the kids were stoked. So last night the rides were going (think lots of lights and loud screams) and a band was playing (think rattling glass in windows) and a huge blue bus holding 35 clearly underage teens....drinking. The pulled the party bus of illegalness right in front of our house and the hooligans promptly stumbled out on to the pavement holding red plastic beer cups. I took my post (on the porch, lurking in the shadows) and watched to see who would do something stupid first. It didn't take long before I saw a young punk with beads around his neck come out from behind the side of my house.
"Can I help you?"
"Uh, uh no...uh, I was just trying to find my buddy who went over here?"
" No you weren't, you were peeing on my house..."
"wha? No...NO NO, I was...uh...."
"Dude, get out of here...."

Clearly frightened by my stern voice and stunned by my dashing good looks, the punk fled the scene...back to the party bus to take part in more stupidity. I sat back down in my chair and by this time my blood pressure was rising, I was ready to get the dart gun. Another young man walked on to our grass, looked left, looked right and proceeded to unzip his pants. I stood up and plastered my face up against the screen and coughed. He saw me as I was shaking my head in disgust. One would think my scary face plastered up against a screen would be enough to frighten or maybe the fact that we was about to make water in the presence of a lady? No way. He took a step to the left and started peeing. That did it. I ran out on the sidewalk and yelled, "STOP PEEING IN MY YARD!!!" (all of this while another guy emerged from the shadows of our house zipping up his pants) We were surrounded by public urinators and I was not about to stand for it. A couple of guys came up to me and asked what was wrong. Well, first of all you are far too young to be drinking, secondly there are three port of potties over there (pointing about 20 feet away) and thirdly, MY YARD IS NOT A BATHROOM. Please get back on your bus and go home. Then a very drunk girl knocks on our door and begins say, "Excuse me, this may be weird..." I interrupt..." No way are you using my bathroom...there is a port O potty right there!"
Lonnie had already called the cops and they had pulled up behind the bus just in time for the girl...yes, girl to finish relieving herself in the middle of the street. I'm not kidding. They all stumbled back on their bus and drove off. One might think that the police would jump on a chance to arrest 35 minors with possession of alcohol, but that was not the case. We ended the evening with high blood pressure, Lonnie hiding in the shadows with a garden hose and the law enforcement saying, "What do you want us to do about it?"

The end.

Next year I'm getting an extension cord, stripping some of the wires back and laying in the yard so when they pee, they get more than a little shock.

Did I mention how much I despise this weekend?


Brianna said...

Of course the cops weren't going to do anything about it...they knew if you had already used your mama/teacher voice on them, there was nothing more they could do! I think you should make a huge sign for next year...

Crazy Mom said...

I've also put avocados and grilled chx in your pico recipe, both good. It's also good on taco meat as a condiment more than a side.

Yard peeing is should try it killjoy.


Kidding of course.

Jill Kapfer said...

I kept waiting for the part where you called the cops...a lot of good that did. Wow...

Janice said...

I thought about being a smartalec to the gropping kids when I passed them, but didnt only because of my kids. On another note, things I know the police were busy with that weekend were : A man beating his wife, a drunk passing out ON THE HIGHWAY, and an 18 year old girl having a man try and take her. I am sure it was proably more of not enough manpower than anything.